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August 31 WHEN GUILT SETS IN.When guilt sets in.....
why do i do the shit i do? As the guilt tares at my heart, i await the slow condemnation and conviction to overtake.
As the pain of tears enters my eyes, burning is the pain i feel.
Mistakes continue in my life, i don't understand why?
Why is it that guilt reached my heart too late?
Is it because i'm of evil substance or am i just a product of humanity screwed up?
trying to be rid of such shit, i have no control of it.
There is no more i can say, but....
I am over it! August 28 STRANGE.Ok, life is slightly strange right now.
A never ending cycle of failing.
What do i do?
How do i fix it?
where do i start?
where should i go first, towards recovery?
will it be hard?
am i slowly mentally killing myself?
now i'm just sick of typing so i'm better off just givin up on this entry.
i'll b back when i feel worth something even to the slightest. August 23 ALL FAILS.Love the course of lifes guidance, we gain sorrow through lifes tests.
The tests we usually fail.
We gain pain through the path we decide to take, because it's usually the wrong one.
The decissions we make are nearly always wrong, therefore we suffer.
There is no winning in this round giant ball of shit
We are the guineapigs, a science project, to be observed and lead to the slaughter.
then we die.
What comes next.....
Well we cauld say this... if we succeeded in our exam, we then reap the benefit,
If we fail, which most of us will, cause the secrets of this life are way too complex to understand why
we have to reach the understanding of how life was meant to be lived.
And i sure as hell have no freakin idea, on how we make effort strong enough to overcome our selfish ambitions.
I really do have a love for u all,
take on nothing that devours the soul. August 21 MOTIVES.what r our motives for doing the things we do so carelessly?
there's never an answer for anything.
although if anyone of u feel as though the answer to this lies within you,
let all who wish to have the answer know.
the word motive is a complicated and difficult word to analyze,
not even i have the solution to what drives us to act on things we know
are going to hurt people around us.
maybe one day if we grow the desire to create a formular
that contains the power to eliminate such a disease.
tha is exactly what it is! A FREAKIN DISEASE.
It kill, it destroys, not just the mind but the body also,
but there are those of us who enjoy inflicting such pain and anguish
on those so close to us, or there's those of us who constantly repeat these mistakes
and still go back for more even knowing the consequinces
of such acts, so therefore we must need salvation. August 20 APOLOGIES.I NEED TO APOLOGISE FOR SUCH SADDEST METERIAL
WITHIN MY SPACE.
I AM NOT A CARBON COPY OF THE MELONCOLLIE BLOGS
THAT YOU ALL READ HERE.
I SIMPLY WRITE WHAT I AM UNABLE TO SPEAK AND
EXPRESS IN REALITY
SO THIS IS MY WAY OF EXPRESSING EMOTIONS THAT
NO ONE USUALLY TAKES TIME OUT TO CARE FOR.
YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL AND LIFE REALLY ISN'T AS BAD AS IT MAY SOMETIMES
SEEM. 4 THE **** OF IT.JUST TYPING FOR THE **** OF IT.
MY SITUATION ON NO DIRECTION
HAD IT, NOW IT'S BEEN REMOVED FROM MY OPTIONS
DO YOU WISH FOR ME TO REVEAL WHAT THE HELL I AM GOIN ON ABOUT?
WELL......
MY HOPE WAS TO ONE DAY BECOME A NURSE
*THAT DREAM WAS SNATCH RUDELY FROM UNDERNEITH ME, COST AT TAFE $7000
*I AM NOT A FREAKIN MILLIONAIRE! AND CANNOT AND WILL NOT APPLY FOR A LOAN
*NXT OPTION, CHILD STUDIES, HA HA HA LOL. TAFE $3000
* NO ****** MONEY! "DIDN'T I JUST SAY I HAVE NOT THAT KIND OF CASH", NOR WILL I DO THE LOAN THING
I WAS FORCED TO LEAVE SCHOOL WHEN I WAS YOUNG AFTER YEAR 7, THEN I DID AN ADULT COURSE FOR YR 9 AND 10
SO I ONLY RECIEVED A YR 10 CERT, SO I DO NOT HAVE AN OP TO GET INTO UNI!
SO LOOKS LIKE MY LAST OPTION I'LL HAVE TO GO WITH...
WHICH IS, GOING BACK TO SCHOOL TO DO YR 11 AND 12, AND THEREFORE I WILL FAIL... BECAUSE I SEEM TO BE A PRO AT
SUCH THINGS AS FAILING
FAILURE IS MY TALENT, MY GIFT.
WELL ENOUGH OF THAT ****, LETS ENJOY LIFE.
DESIRED, NOT. If u can handle the shit i write, let me know.
there's a little more i'd like to say but at this point in time i am unable to let inspiration within me free.
i wish i had more of a possitive outlook on life and the issues that linger along with it but,
i don't think that i do.
apart from my beautiful boys who are very much apart of me,
i just hope that they will not be as saddest as myself, and that they will embrace the fullness of how life should be lived.
My husband is my air at the moment and i hope that he doesn't read this and think i'm being over dramatic, (it is not as that)
But for everything else that comes along with the purchase of life that we don't actually ask for,
i have not desired, i have not wished to breathe for.
My first breath was not of my own choice, i did not ask for exisistance, but of course now,
I do not ask to die. August 18 BEAUTIFULConfusion is an understatement when it comes down to the crunch,
why is there so many choices, decissions and paths to take, to choose?
how would it feel to die?
Is death something to look forward to, to run towards? as most of us seem to do.
you ask, "how do most of us run towards the dim light death offers to us?"
The damage we continually inflict upon ourselves and one another,
through the highlights of the fantastic temporary satisfaction of alcohol and drugs,
and all that we think our bodies can afford to consume.
these awesome self abuse habits we feel we have the right to put ourselves through
are slowly but exceedingly succeeding in their destructive nature in lovingly destroying you.
therefore take a deep breath in and pray to whomever you wish that death is how you expected.
enjoy the repeated neglect, remain in your wishful thinking and your temporary enjoyment and satisfaction of your current life
soon, it will be gone.
it's beautiful. |
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