個人檔案THIS WORLD IS A CRUEL PL...相片部落格清單更多  |  工具 說明 |
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19 September NO OUTWARD REMORSE?The worse things become, the more i wish my eyes would cease to open the morning to come.
Truth is, i reveal no outward remorse,
but the remorse reveals itself through unspeakable actions.
I do take, i take and take till there's no more to take,
i soak up every last drop till the dry is too much to bare.
This time i went too far,
this time i show no care.
My heart is heavy and cannot now be unloaded,
Ice has consumed me and now, what?
Love lies within me, it's there, it is!
but, no one wants to see it.
Before the mess, i still managed to reveal the worst of myself,
i was always told the same shit, even during the effort i put in,
so why is it now that i have become this way inclined?
"you never do anything, you go out too much, this was your plan, to marry,
then f**k it all up!"
Well here's a shock for you! i was f*****g fine!
I WAS F*****G HUMAN!
I MADE F*****G MISTAKES!
BUT THIS TIME IT IS AS YOU DISPLAYED IT TO BE BACK THEN!
IT WAS OKAY!
NOW, I AM A F*****G NASTY PIECE OF WORK!
I just needed some reasurance on the fact that, hey, i am human and hey,
i'm not perfect, that was all.
But no, i was lazy, i did nothing and i put us into debt,
and that was all the f**k i did.
ALL I DID WAS F*****G TRY, TRY, TRY ,TRY, TRY, TRY!!!!!
I WAS NEVER A GOOD PERSON, I WAS NEVER ABLE TO SUPPORT YOU, AND IT WAS ALL PLANNED!
WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT!
YEAH I HAD 2 BEAUTIFUL BABIES THEY WERE ALL PART OF THE PLAN!
I LOVED YOU! i was trying so hard to be next to perfect, it was rediculous!
i wanted to be righteous, i wanted to be the perfect wife the perfect mother,
BLOODY HELL, AS IF! IF I CAN'T BE PERFECT THAN I SHOULDN'T BE!
u wanted perfect, and i wasn't even close, but i tried, u wouldn't even believe that.
so i guess i married you because i didn't love you?
pretty silly assumtion, don't ya think?
i was told always that i was horrible, evil, nasty, whatever those names were,
i have obviously become them.
There is though a deep grief within me that calls out for sanity,
and deliverance, what will become of me?
YOU WILL BECOME ALL THAT YOU WERE TAUGHT,
AND I..........................
SHOULD KILL MYSELF BEFORE I BECOME WHAT I WAS TAUGHT. ALWAYS STAY CLOSE.I WISH NOT TO DESTROY THE FRIENDSHIP WE NOW HAVE.
WE ALL CHOOSE WHAT WE DO,
WE DON'T GO ROUND DOING THINGS WE HAVNT WANTED TO DO.
THEREFORE, YES I AM FOLLOWING A SCREWED UP PATTERN OF SELF SATISFACTION,
BUT SERIOUSLY DO NOT WANT TO HURT PEOPLE AROUND ME,
SPECIALLY YOU REGAN.
I DO HAVE A HEART AND U KNOW THAT IS TRUE,
WE HAVE TOO MUCH AWESOME HISTORY TOGETHER TO THROW IT ALL COMPLETELY AWAY.
you have to believe me. 17 September SADISTIC PERFORMERS.Sadistic Performers,
they love to play a part,
false speech,
actors in love with attention.
The magnetic field that seems to surround them
within their aura.
A fetish, an addiction they can't live without!
These people fail to understand such damage
caused by their sadistic performing,
staged in front of those who wish to see
deeper into the eyes that not even they know nor
understand,
although maybe their fear of further knowledge
into their own light or darkness, overtakes them,
overwealms them,
therefore they stage their performance for all to see,
in hope of being completely accepted.
This Is Only A Form Of False
Existance. 12 September YOUR LOVE 4 ME WAS REAL.DON'T SATURATE MY HEART WITH GREIF,
THERE IS NO NEED, FOR ALREADY,
I HAVE RECIEVED MY PUNISHMENT AND THAT WAS...
LOSING YOU.
I HAVE NEVER LET GO,
MY GRIP GREW WEAK,
AND STILL WITHIN MY HEART LOVE FOR YOU,
IT WILL STILL FLOW.
ALTHOUGH YOUR EYES WON'T SEE.
AND TO THIS, IT DEVESTATES ME.
YOUR LOVE FOR ME WAS REAL,
WITH OR WITHOUT MAKE UP,
AND DURING THE DIFFICULT SHIT WE HAD TO WALK THROUGH,
AND NOW........?
HAS OUR LOVE FINALLY REACHED ITS
DEATH?
WILL YOU PLEASE REPLY TO ME,
WE NEED TO CONTINUE THIS?
11 September CAN WE REALLY B FRIENDS?Can u truly even b a friend?
I would hate to lose that.
I have already lost too much, but maybe we are better of this way?
I come round and your thoughts r completely negative and against me.
But know i don't blame you.
Be aware that within all people, even King Regan there lies flaws,
some deeper and continually re-opened wounds,
this is me,
Change will come, because i already feel it grow within me.
My wounds have been opened again, and again, and again.
One day, u will see a new me.
I always hope and pray on that, that this announcement will be revealed as true
in the future, hopefully sooner than later.
I will never speak against u to our children because i have no reason to,
and it is completely inapropriate and damaging to them,
We both need to compliment eachother as we walk this tightrope i seem to have no balance for,
for the sake of our beautiful boys and that they see we don't hate eachother,
and so they also understand that people are never going to b perfect,
but we still love.
so u will always know them to think only highly of u. 10 September COME BACK 2 ME.Be mine again, please be mine?
I need your help, your love, this i cannot go without!
The word love means nothing for it is only a word,
my plans for us went deeper and through stupidity and self indulgence,
they were erased.
Forget all i have done to you and let us start anew,
i will find help, and let you take charge over my every move.
Is it even the slightest bit possible to turn back the clock or have i finally,
completely blown it all?
come back to me, please help me, and help me make this work.
PLEASE. 7 September PLEASE WAIT FOR ME.Please wait for me.....
Let patience take its place in your heart,
And i will let healing take its place in my mind.
Soon as time brings me back to reality, back to appropriate living,
i know that you will again be mine and i will again and always be yours.
Please wait......
Within me there is no hate,
I am the one who has failed you,
You have never once failed me, and yet i don't understand why?
How can you possibly still hold love for me?
I never really understood how deep your love lies within your heart for me.
This, i don't understand.
But you....i cannot afford to lose forever,
everything will one day be alright,
we......will......be......alright,
the both of us, will forever be together.
i love you babestez. 5 September CAN'T EVEN HANDLE MYSELF.I let go_
Am i free? How the **** would i know!
Life as it was to an extent ****** and to a certain degree was great!
Now, ha, ha, ha i don't ****** know?
I beg only for life, i wish to be excepted not rejected through the ****** up shit i do.
Otherwise if you reject me and my ****** up ways, i enjoy self mutilation,
i inflict upon myself, the punishment i deserve, the right to put myself below.
This is the only thing that feels good!
Walk from me if you can't handle me.
I can't even handle myself.
WILL POWER HAS BECOME MY FLAW.Life? We live, we love, we lose love, we recieve punishment,
we display guilt, and condemnation makes its decission to intrude.
Enter the growing desire within us to continue against it.
We call "come forward, towards me"
The strong force that convinces us to say the words,
"i give up" the meaning behind such words penetrates deep within me.
And so my will power has become my flaw, it kneels, bows, surrenders,
and speaks "all is now too hard!" WISH TO LIVE WHAT I WAS ROBBED.Blood is life giving, SO DRAIN ME OF IT!
Life is death giving, SO SATURATE ME WITH IT!
Life is death and death is life, breathe into me what i have breathed into others,
and therefore i know and garantee, thy living will fade and i shall die.
Of evil was i born and of evil will i die?
Just like all who wish to live what they were robbed. 4 September YOUR FREE.We were great most times,
This seems to be the simplest way to comunicate such feelings to you.
It's no surprise to me as to why trust is a word that dispays no
sincerety within it, when it is spoken back and forth between us.
We need to be honest about the fact that we were doing well just recently.
And yes, you are my rock and you will forever be my rock.
Your love for me was beyond any love that i cauld have ever imagined myself to have had,
What the **** happened to us!
It was me, and it was always me, You cauld always be trusted, I knew that,
But why did i make it hard for you? I don't understand.
I have been confused for so long and my head always hurts, i wish the pain would stop,
but in this life there is no putting into reverse.
I wish this not to be goodbye, because your choice, beleive it or not, i do love you.
I have givin you no reason to believe anything i say,
but, i do love you.
Please forgive my betrayel, I have not gone out of my way to stab you in the heart.
At least now.............
You Are Free, To have friends, to enjoy your life, to be eventually free of debt and free of.....
ME. |
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