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December 18 ANSWERSI ask for strength,
will i make it?
A question... where will the right path take me?
If only it cauld be answered.
Will a broken home be healed?
Will a family be united once again?
Will i be happy sooner than later?
Temporary fullfillment...
Only temporary, that i do not want.
I want some answers, i don't like
to wait... April 21 HEART PAIN.Why do we continue our failed dark road when there was always a batter path for us?
Self destruct remains in our mind, but still the love of wanting the best for ourselves,
"Do we deserve any good?" crosses our thinking.
We ask ourselves, are we worthy of such a life? though we walk into black clouds.
Always willing to seperate the good thoughts from those that are bad.
Raising the question of how do we get to such a place of happiness when those who are worth being with are more likely to be so far from our reach.
Can we survive a lonesome life even if just for a short amount of time?
Will we find satisfaction in some else ?
Personally..........
I give up, my hands remain sweat drenched! My heart speeds,
giving me thoughts that i may die today? maybe tomorrow? who knows?
The pain in my chest as my thoughts go wild wondering wether the person
i had the fight with last night and every other night that he decides
to get on the piss has decided to beleive his own made up shit in his head
and fuck someone else?
though i am innocent right now and not deserving of any unworthy treatment
against me.
I am me.
I am sweet,
I am trustworthy, though past faults haunt me.
I am changed and need to feel of some worth.
Misery follows close behind every step i take, hindering my every step,
one step forward, just to fall behind by four steps!
One word....... FAILED!
Till My Heart Grows Strong And I Stand Up For Who I Am!
And.........
I Will! October 25 SALT IN OUR WOUNDS, HIM.SALT IN OUR WOUNDS
Here we are In the maelstrom of love Waiting for the calm To soothe our hearts Here we are And don't know how to stop Waiting for the war To end it all Love is insane and Baby We are too It's our hearts little grave And the salt in our wounds Love is insane and Baby We are too It's our hearts little grave And the salt in our wounds Here we are Right back where we began Waiting for sweet love With open arms Here we are Just like before Waiting for the warmth Of that tender storm Love is insane and Baby We are too It's our hearts little grave And the salt in our wounds October 23 LOSE U TONIGHT, HIM"Lose You Tonight"
Don't run away I can't live without you Please stay And I learn to love you right I was waiting for you Waiting for all my life And I've been crying for you Dying for you all this time I was waiting for you Waiting for all my life And I'm not gonna Lose you tonight No, I ain't gonna lose you tonight Don't run away I never wanted to hurt you Please stay And I learn to treat you right I was waiting for you Waiting for all my life And I've been crying for you Dying for you all this time I was waiting for you Waiting for all my life And I'm not gonna Lose you tonight I was waiting for you Waiting for all my life And I've been crying for you Dying for you all this time I was waiting for you Waiting for all my life And I'm not gonna Lose you tonight I was waiting for you Waiting for all my life Oh, I can't live without you And I've been crying for you Dying for you all this time I never want adore you I was waiting for you Waiting for all my life And I'm not gonna Lose you tonight I ain't gonna lose you tonight I was waiting for you Waiting for all my life And I've been crying for you Dying for you all this time I was waiting for you Waiting for all my life And I'm not gonna Lose you tonight VILLE VALO
HIM
XXXX
October 19 THIS DARK.We forever try, we feel the dark wrap itself around us, why is it that we embrace its call? why is it that we beckon for it's thrill? it's dwelling place is so close, closer than we believe it would be. This dark abides within our hearts, It always longs to tare us apart, Again, we embrace it's saturation and we scream out for more! and we become its slaves with love and lust also follows.
October 11 I KNOW NOTHING OF IT!Don't leave me yet!
though i have died, replace this black
with innocence,
my hands are stain free!
My mind has escaped it's place of safety!
and i am now subject to it's grasp on me.
Was i not worthy of your safe keeping?
Or is this true freedom?
Where shall i turn now?
And if i am not of worth to you,
then i am of worth to no one!
Draw me in please!
Show me truth cause i know nothing of it!!!!! September 19 NO OUTWARD REMORSE?The worse things become, the more i wish my eyes would cease to open the morning to come.
Truth is, i reveal no outward remorse,
but the remorse reveals itself through unspeakable actions.
I do take, i take and take till there's no more to take,
i soak up every last drop till the dry is too much to bare.
This time i went too far,
this time i show no care.
My heart is heavy and cannot now be unloaded,
Ice has consumed me and now, what?
Love lies within me, it's there, it is!
but, no one wants to see it.
Before the mess, i still managed to reveal the worst of myself,
i was always told the same shit, even during the effort i put in,
so why is it now that i have become this way inclined?
"you never do anything, you go out too much, this was your plan, to marry,
then f**k it all up!"
Well here's a shock for you! i was f*****g fine!
I WAS F*****G HUMAN!
I MADE F*****G MISTAKES!
BUT THIS TIME IT IS AS YOU DISPLAYED IT TO BE BACK THEN!
IT WAS OKAY!
NOW, I AM A F*****G NASTY PIECE OF WORK!
I just needed some reasurance on the fact that, hey, i am human and hey,
i'm not perfect, that was all.
But no, i was lazy, i did nothing and i put us into debt,
and that was all the f**k i did.
ALL I DID WAS F*****G TRY, TRY, TRY ,TRY, TRY, TRY!!!!!
I WAS NEVER A GOOD PERSON, I WAS NEVER ABLE TO SUPPORT YOU, AND IT WAS ALL PLANNED!
WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT!
YEAH I HAD 2 BEAUTIFUL BABIES THEY WERE ALL PART OF THE PLAN!
I LOVED YOU! i was trying so hard to be next to perfect, it was rediculous!
i wanted to be righteous, i wanted to be the perfect wife the perfect mother,
BLOODY HELL, AS IF! IF I CAN'T BE PERFECT THAN I SHOULDN'T BE!
u wanted perfect, and i wasn't even close, but i tried, u wouldn't even believe that.
so i guess i married you because i didn't love you?
pretty silly assumtion, don't ya think?
i was told always that i was horrible, evil, nasty, whatever those names were,
i have obviously become them.
There is though a deep grief within me that calls out for sanity,
and deliverance, what will become of me?
YOU WILL BECOME ALL THAT YOU WERE TAUGHT,
AND I..........................
SHOULD KILL MYSELF BEFORE I BECOME WHAT I WAS TAUGHT. ALWAYS STAY CLOSE.I WISH NOT TO DESTROY THE FRIENDSHIP WE NOW HAVE.
WE ALL CHOOSE WHAT WE DO,
WE DON'T GO ROUND DOING THINGS WE HAVNT WANTED TO DO.
THEREFORE, YES I AM FOLLOWING A SCREWED UP PATTERN OF SELF SATISFACTION,
BUT SERIOUSLY DO NOT WANT TO HURT PEOPLE AROUND ME,
SPECIALLY YOU REGAN.
I DO HAVE A HEART AND U KNOW THAT IS TRUE,
WE HAVE TOO MUCH AWESOME HISTORY TOGETHER TO THROW IT ALL COMPLETELY AWAY.
you have to believe me. September 17 SADISTIC PERFORMERS.Sadistic Performers,
they love to play a part,
false speech,
actors in love with attention.
The magnetic field that seems to surround them
within their aura.
A fetish, an addiction they can't live without!
These people fail to understand such damage
caused by their sadistic performing,
staged in front of those who wish to see
deeper into the eyes that not even they know nor
understand,
although maybe their fear of further knowledge
into their own light or darkness, overtakes them,
overwealms them,
therefore they stage their performance for all to see,
in hope of being completely accepted.
This Is Only A Form Of False
Existance. September 12 YOUR LOVE 4 ME WAS REAL.DON'T SATURATE MY HEART WITH GREIF,
THERE IS NO NEED, FOR ALREADY,
I HAVE RECIEVED MY PUNISHMENT AND THAT WAS...
LOSING YOU.
I HAVE NEVER LET GO,
MY GRIP GREW WEAK,
AND STILL WITHIN MY HEART LOVE FOR YOU,
IT WILL STILL FLOW.
ALTHOUGH YOUR EYES WON'T SEE.
AND TO THIS, IT DEVESTATES ME.
YOUR LOVE FOR ME WAS REAL,
WITH OR WITHOUT MAKE UP,
AND DURING THE DIFFICULT SHIT WE HAD TO WALK THROUGH,
AND NOW........?
HAS OUR LOVE FINALLY REACHED ITS
DEATH?
WILL YOU PLEASE REPLY TO ME,
WE NEED TO CONTINUE THIS?
September 11 CAN WE REALLY B FRIENDS?Can u truly even b a friend?
I would hate to lose that.
I have already lost too much, but maybe we are better of this way?
I come round and your thoughts r completely negative and against me.
But know i don't blame you.
Be aware that within all people, even King Regan there lies flaws,
some deeper and continually re-opened wounds,
this is me,
Change will come, because i already feel it grow within me.
My wounds have been opened again, and again, and again.
One day, u will see a new me.
I always hope and pray on that, that this announcement will be revealed as true
in the future, hopefully sooner than later.
I will never speak against u to our children because i have no reason to,
and it is completely inapropriate and damaging to them,
We both need to compliment eachother as we walk this tightrope i seem to have no balance for,
for the sake of our beautiful boys and that they see we don't hate eachother,
and so they also understand that people are never going to b perfect,
but we still love.
so u will always know them to think only highly of u. September 10 COME BACK 2 ME.Be mine again, please be mine?
I need your help, your love, this i cannot go without!
The word love means nothing for it is only a word,
my plans for us went deeper and through stupidity and self indulgence,
they were erased.
Forget all i have done to you and let us start anew,
i will find help, and let you take charge over my every move.
Is it even the slightest bit possible to turn back the clock or have i finally,
completely blown it all?
come back to me, please help me, and help me make this work.
PLEASE. September 07 PLEASE WAIT FOR ME.Please wait for me.....
Let patience take its place in your heart,
And i will let healing take its place in my mind.
Soon as time brings me back to reality, back to appropriate living,
i know that you will again be mine and i will again and always be yours.
Please wait......
Within me there is no hate,
I am the one who has failed you,
You have never once failed me, and yet i don't understand why?
How can you possibly still hold love for me?
I never really understood how deep your love lies within your heart for me.
This, i don't understand.
But you....i cannot afford to lose forever,
everything will one day be alright,
we......will......be......alright,
the both of us, will forever be together.
i love you babestez. September 05 CAN'T EVEN HANDLE MYSELF.I let go_
Am i free? How the **** would i know!
Life as it was to an extent ****** and to a certain degree was great!
Now, ha, ha, ha i don't ****** know?
I beg only for life, i wish to be excepted not rejected through the ****** up shit i do.
Otherwise if you reject me and my ****** up ways, i enjoy self mutilation,
i inflict upon myself, the punishment i deserve, the right to put myself below.
This is the only thing that feels good!
Walk from me if you can't handle me.
I can't even handle myself.
WILL POWER HAS BECOME MY FLAW.Life? We live, we love, we lose love, we recieve punishment,
we display guilt, and condemnation makes its decission to intrude.
Enter the growing desire within us to continue against it.
We call "come forward, towards me"
The strong force that convinces us to say the words,
"i give up" the meaning behind such words penetrates deep within me.
And so my will power has become my flaw, it kneels, bows, surrenders,
and speaks "all is now too hard!" WISH TO LIVE WHAT I WAS ROBBED.Blood is life giving, SO DRAIN ME OF IT!
Life is death giving, SO SATURATE ME WITH IT!
Life is death and death is life, breathe into me what i have breathed into others,
and therefore i know and garantee, thy living will fade and i shall die.
Of evil was i born and of evil will i die?
Just like all who wish to live what they were robbed. September 04 YOUR FREE.We were great most times,
This seems to be the simplest way to comunicate such feelings to you.
It's no surprise to me as to why trust is a word that dispays no
sincerety within it, when it is spoken back and forth between us.
We need to be honest about the fact that we were doing well just recently.
And yes, you are my rock and you will forever be my rock.
Your love for me was beyond any love that i cauld have ever imagined myself to have had,
What the **** happened to us!
It was me, and it was always me, You cauld always be trusted, I knew that,
But why did i make it hard for you? I don't understand.
I have been confused for so long and my head always hurts, i wish the pain would stop,
but in this life there is no putting into reverse.
I wish this not to be goodbye, because your choice, beleive it or not, i do love you.
I have givin you no reason to believe anything i say,
but, i do love you.
Please forgive my betrayel, I have not gone out of my way to stab you in the heart.
At least now.............
You Are Free, To have friends, to enjoy your life, to be eventually free of debt and free of.....
ME. August 31 WHEN GUILT SETS IN.When guilt sets in.....
why do i do the shit i do? As the guilt tares at my heart, i await the slow condemnation and conviction to overtake.
As the pain of tears enters my eyes, burning is the pain i feel.
Mistakes continue in my life, i don't understand why?
Why is it that guilt reached my heart too late?
Is it because i'm of evil substance or am i just a product of humanity screwed up?
trying to be rid of such shit, i have no control of it.
There is no more i can say, but....
I am over it! August 28 STRANGE.Ok, life is slightly strange right now.
A never ending cycle of failing.
What do i do?
How do i fix it?
where do i start?
where should i go first, towards recovery?
will it be hard?
am i slowly mentally killing myself?
now i'm just sick of typing so i'm better off just givin up on this entry.
i'll b back when i feel worth something even to the slightest. August 23 ALL FAILS.Love the course of lifes guidance, we gain sorrow through lifes tests.
The tests we usually fail.
We gain pain through the path we decide to take, because it's usually the wrong one.
The decissions we make are nearly always wrong, therefore we suffer.
There is no winning in this round giant ball of shit
We are the guineapigs, a science project, to be observed and lead to the slaughter.
then we die.
What comes next.....
Well we cauld say this... if we succeeded in our exam, we then reap the benefit,
If we fail, which most of us will, cause the secrets of this life are way too complex to understand why
we have to reach the understanding of how life was meant to be lived.
And i sure as hell have no freakin idea, on how we make effort strong enough to overcome our selfish ambitions.
I really do have a love for u all,
take on nothing that devours the soul. |
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